Why is highschool such a dang dramafest? when i just sit and look at that question, i realize how incredibly naive it is. that's all highschool is really. drama. that is what causes the fun and the pain. it's what makes adults say they would never want to grow up again. so far if someone were to ask me if i'd grow up again, i'd say hell yes! but seriously. it's days like these that kinda make me just want to run off to a deserted island for a month and come back. like one thing that gets me is when people don't do their own dirty work. they put their friends in between them and the person that they like. they want their friend to do all the talking, find out all the dirt, etc. maybe i'm just too independant and like to do everything myself. idk. but the fact that you like someone but you are unwilling to commit to the thing directly is just stupid. like your friend is basically the one doing all the work and then you get the spoils if it works. ur friend is there feeling good that they helped you but then they are stuck with nothing because they were so nice to you but have no chances themselves. this is a random strand of thought that kinda went off the tracks but that's alright.

and then when people just assume it's ok to blow out secrets of their friends because they feel that they won't care or that the person that they tell is worth telling. i'm just like if they trusted you with something like that and then you spread it around so the freaking teacher finds out, what makes you think that that is ok. what makes a person feel that whoever's secret it was isn't worth keeping a secret for. that's just messed up.

two facedness has really started to get me too. like all year, there is like one person that has just totally blown me away as far as how he treats his friends, me especially. being a freshman, i'm new to everything. so you meet some seniors who are absolutely great and they are involved in whatever you are. they are like the best thing since anything. it's when you get emotinoally involved with these people that trouble starts. like omg not even kidding. it's like and explosion of drama and problems, heaven forbid if you like them. being involved with theatre kids, i'm also involved with the most dramatic kids in the school. they are, i would say, the most flirty of kids in the school. one particularly can't for some reason figure out what he wants. from the moment i stepped foot in that school i knew i liked him. it was small to start since i didn't actually know him when i first saw him. but he eventually grew to like me too. the thing is, at the beginning of the year he makes the fact that he goes to college in 7 months and issue. he also makes the grade seperation a problem, not age, just our class. but no matter what, we are great friends. this would have all been fine and dandy. he makes me special. the thing was, as soon as he decided he didn't liek me anymore, he turns like complete ass. he is rude, selfish, tells me to shut up or puts down everything i said or just plain ignored me like i wasn't even there. everyone could see it. everyone, including myself, made it clear to him and he just went on not caring. oh but when i care that he's an ass there is a problem. it was complete horridity like i'd never seen in my life. a mess of events just turned bad. i messed up once among my friends, one mess up that i still don't see to be horrible as they made it to be, and they all turned against me for it. he especially added to it and just totally hated me for it. at this point i was able to completely get past him. i made up with all of them and we became even stronger boung friends. but as soon as we started working on a show,  he got all stressed. the thing that i absolutely hated was that he abandoned everything he knew for a show. he yelled at his friends, he ignored his helpers. he tried to do it all himself. and while he didn't do anything directly to me, i was often splitting up fights backstage. don't get me wrong it's not half as dramatic as it seems. this is just me venting. and now after the show we are great friends and he is find. granted, we are all more rested. but even for a hell week for a massive show, none of us abandoned our own like he did. it's like a two sided monster almost. makes me go crazy bananas!

so anyways. the drama in general is still bothering me lately. oh well!

<3 baugy <3

hey everyone. happy new year if ur already there. i have like 5 and a half miserable hours until the new year. then i think about it, the hollywood version of life is that highschool and ur twenties are supposed to be the hardest but most romantic times of your life. i thought that when i got to highschool things would be a little different than middle school.....that i'd get to do more. granted my parents let me do more (as long as it's in the neighborhood) and they're judgement really annoys me at times. i mean seriously. on new years eve of all times my parents confine me to the small four walls of my house. this house where all i feel is misery and lonliness and they know this. i come home from a sleepover and want to go back to the person's house just so i can spend time with friends that i barely see anymore. and they want me to stay home and are like people come over here. i'm like they are at their PARTIES!!! people gather and that's where i wanted to go but no. i mean seriously. this leaves me practically taunted. i call my friends and they call me and i end up listening to them have fun and me just talking with no response. it kills me. to have to listen to the party that i can't go to. the life i'm not allowed to have because of my parents' preferences. now i find myself sitting in front of a computer, with no one to talk to, the rest of my lousy family off doing their own boring thing. i swore i wouldn't find myself in another situation like this where i would end up having to spend my new years in front of a computer wishing i could say i was having fun. listening to music that is just torturous. gives me a sense of myself and longing. missing people too. it seems that when i'm by myself to just think like i am now, i find myself soften to the point that i feel absolutely vunerable. and with music playing...it's over. it's horrible. idk. life has me at a loss at this point. i want to go back to school to see my friends but when i think, there is about a handful and only a handful of people that i would actually want to go back to see. the others i wish would die all the time. eeemmmooo. wows.   Here Is Gone by The Goo Goo Dolls Lyrics:

You and i've got something

but it's all then it's nothing to me

and i've got my defences

when it comes to your intentions with me

and we wake up in the breakdown

of the things we never thought we could be

i'm not the one who broke you

i'm not the one you should fear

we've got to move you darling

i thought i'd lost you somewhere

but you were never really there at all.

and i want to get free

talk to me

i can feel you falling

and i wanted to be

all you need

somehow here is gone

i no solution

to the sound of this polution in me

and i was not the answer

so forget you ever thought it was me

i'm not the one who broke you

i'm not the one you should fear

we've got to move you darlin

i thought i lost you somewhere

but you were never really there at all

and i want to get free

talk to me

i can feel you falling

and i wanted to be

all you need

somehow here is gone

and i don't need the fallout

of all the past that's in between us

and i'm not holding on

and all your lies weren't enough to keep me here

and i want to get free

talk to me

i can feel you falling

and i wanted to be

all you need

somehow here is gone

and i want to get free

talk to me

i can feel you falling

i know it's out there

i know it's out there

somehow here is gone

i know it's out there

i know it's out there

somehow here is gone

Sometimes people can be very disappointing. Now I'm not saying that i expect more than people that to be people but sometimes one hopes that people will have the sense and the daring to be more than people. when that hope is shattered....well it can definitly be such the disappointment. you feel as if people let you down because you thought better of them. i mean even when it's playful it can still go too far and be hurtful. when one wants so much to be nearer to someone, to ignore all of the bad things that people say about the person, hoping that for them they will be different and then they go and be the ass they are said to be, it's crushing. today it happened. i honestly wanted so much for what people thought of this one person to not be true, or at least for that person to act better in my prescence. what did he do. he pretty much wanted to make me think less of him. why i'm not sure since i thought we were cool. anyways. it's so discouraging to me honestly. what is one to do?! anyways. i'm hellas tired. i'll try to keep up. !!!!!

until next time

<3 azrah